Since we've removed the brace...

We removed Norah's brace November 4th, one day early actually. After our doctor's recommendation to leave it on another week simply as a precaution, Mommy just could not wait any longer! Taking that extra second to peek at her when she sleeps now is different. She's cozy and comfortable and can nestle into her swing or her napper or whereever I decided to lay her down. I find myself at times completely forgetting about the road ahead because now without her brace, I can hold her normally and do the things we couldn't really do before. At the same time, when I am reminded of it, it hits hard. Maybe it is because without the brace she can extend her legs out more and I can really see the difference. We introduced pants and p.j.'s the night we let her sleep without it and I was upset with myself for focusing on it, but I couldn't help but cry over the fact that her pant leg came over her foot. We have worn onesies since birth so would have never even thought about the fact that her pants would always need to be hemmed by her Mimi. (Thinking Mimi will teach me to sew!) For now, it isn't a challenge because she isn't walking, but eventually I wonder if she will prefer dresses or shorts because of it. Either way, Mommy will make it work for her.

Lately I feel like God is giving me extra special care because the moment I am reminded of her condition or have a moment of pity or fear for her, it seems to happen at the same time there is a moment of hope or joy if that makes sense. We removed her brace which allows her little leg to stare us right in the face, but at that moment I was so happy to have her out of it that the joy overshadowed the sadness. He always seems to challenge me and then allow me to rejoice and be thankful. Lately I seem to be surrounded by little angels fighting for their lives or with worse conditions that don't deserve that fight. And neither does mine.

For now, I just want to enjoy her as a baby. We don't begin the next step in her journey for a couple of months, so that allows us to just let her be. I want to breathe in all of the moments that others seem to rush through and take for granted. I am not in a hurry to have her sleeping through the night or in her crib or worrying about the next milestone or why it hasn't happened. When you become a parent, those questions are asked frequently. You're supposed to get through the first 2 weeks, get them sleeping through, cry it out, self-soothe, etc. Why are we in such a hurry to have them grow up? They are babies. They need you. For us, balance is our motto. And it works for Norah because she is a really happy kid. :) I am only focused on what she is doing right now, the sound she just made, not the sound she should be making by next week. With that said, I love that I know her. I know her sounds, her faces, cries, her needs and when she needs them. I love that I know I am a really good Mom. To feel that when deep down I feel so much guilt is amazing. It comforts me. It is humbling. I don't know that I will ever feel anything other than responsible for her condition or guilty over it, so if I can atleast feel confident that I am a good mother to her, than I suppose that is enough.
I urge you, if you are a parent, to relish in the moments you have with your child. Try to find joy in the noise, in the late nights, in the messes. I feel like I just have this ticking clock in my ear reminding me of the time I have with her as a baby and that it will go quickly. That clock also reminds me that in my baby's near future those moments will be accompanied by surgeries and therapy so the moments I have with her now minus all of that are that much more precious and priceless.