All the questions in my mind

To homeschool or not? To vaccinate or not? Do we need to go 100% organic or not? Can I keep her in a bubble forever? Probably not.

These are all questions running the marathon in my mind since becoming a mother. It seems like everytime I make a teeny, tiny step forward toward becoming less protective of her, I take two very large steps backward. Yes, I know feeling protective of your child is a completely natural thing, but the protectiveness I feel is suffocating.  Between the Movie Theatre massacre, the recent shooting in Connecticut, the brutal massacre in China at an elementary school and the constant news coverage on harmful chemicals in cleaning products, food, you name it, I can't seem to make a step and stay there. I reach the mile marker and then something tragic happens and I feel overwhelmed with fear again. This doesn't even include the neighbors and friends that have a sick child or have recently lost their child....that makes me cling to her even more as I am sure alot of parents nearby are doing as well. I have family in Connecticut that live nearby to where the  recent shooting took place. Too close to home it feels.

I used to take alot of things with a grain of salt. I was able to handle conflict, atleast I remember I could, but that feels like forever ago. I could process a tragic event, difficult situation, annoying opinion or any emotion for that matter with balance and logic. I want to be back there so badly.

Now I am happy to say, I am not protective in a way that smothers her or clouds her development. She is an extremely playful and happy child and I know it is because she is showered with love and respect. We respect her need to learn on her own and explore things through sight and touch. We teach her to reach for things on her own and encourage her to speak back to us among many other things. One of my main goals is not to become a parent that does EVERYTHING for my child. I want her to feel capable. I want her to carry her own plate and wash her own hands and entertain herself with her toys and so far I feel really confident we have encouraged independence (as much as you can with a 3 month old). She plays alone often and puts herself to sleep when she is wide awake. (Without crying which I am proud to say!) We don't overreact if she sneezes or call the pedicatrician every week. These are things that reassure me I am not smothering her. Where I feel like I am overprotective of her is with her care. This will always circle back to her disability. In my last entry I spoke about the guilt I feel for that and how I'm told I could not prevent it, although right now I feel like I could have. If she is home schooled, I can protect her from violence in schools. If I buy organic and vaccinate maybe I can prevent some awful disease from attacking her. Keyword is "maybe". I know I can't truly protect her from everything, but it doesn't mean I won't try. I'll hear her cry and a siren goes off in my head to remedy it as quickly as possible so she does not feel any pain or sadness for even a minute.

Through my attempt to cope, I have completely random moments where the sound of music brings tears to my eyes, or a dish in my hand feels like it will shatter. A playful diaper change or bathtime splashing can go from laughter and smiles to a sudden bolt of lightning reminding me of her little leg not kicking as hard as the other or making as big a splash as the other. My seven-year old niece was "babysitting" her on her playmat recently and very innocently asked why her pants were so big. "Her pants keep covering her foot", she said. We all just kind of sat there not knowing what to say. It made my heart ache for a moment because I hadn't really thought of how this will affect her or how it will feel for her Mom and Dad to have to explain it to her. I am comforted in knowing Norah will be under her wing though. I think when Norah begins treatment, she will be older and will be able to understand it better and probably even bring light to the situation as children do. I can picture her teaching Norah things and protecting her. These brief moments are slightly overwhelming but then I feel okay after. I like to think that is God's way of helping me cope. Those moments to me are better than not having them. Not having them would mean I wasn't on my way to acceptance. I am learning that allowing myself to feel what I feel and think what I think in that exact moment is one more step to being a better parent to her...a stronger Mother.

I am very slowly starting to regain my faith that I won't feel like this forever. I am so incredibly thankful for the other parents that began writing their own blogs. If I didn't have this outlet, I don't know that I would being seeing the very faint light at the end of the tunnel. For me being as open as I am, I can't seem to do this through conversation so it means so much to me to have our family and friends listening to our story through my writing. For our family, thank you for your patience. I know you all wish blessings and care so much about Norah. For all of our friends, relatives near and far and neighbors, thank you for reading...for caring enough to read. Thank you for sharing Norah's story with your own friends. It brings me comfort to know that so many people will be aware by the time she begins treatment and she will have that much more support as will we. I am not one to ask for prayers, but I have this one request. Please pray for our little girl. I want to pray for growth, capability, faith in medicine and hope. I pray that her father and I can take the advice we've received and enjoy her and not live in fear for the next year. I pray that we don't waste time, kill time or let it pass. I pray for myself and that God will show mercy on me and that he will help me find myself again in all the sadness so she can learn a positive example from me. I pray for Norah to emerge a strong little girl despite her challenges. I pray so hard that her leg is the only issue we will face with her condition. I pray for the children around her to feel kindness and support for her as she grows. And I pray for all of you reading. I pray that God blesses you, your family and your children with good health.

Blessings :)