By faith....

I finally listened as He spoke to me. Earlier this week, He came into my heart because I finally let him. I cry as I write this because it feels so incredibly good to feel this way again. In my last entry, I spoke of my emotions and the struggles I was having and then a little birdie reminded me of something great.

The "DIWE Train".

Doctrine
Intellect
Will
Emotion

I was leading my life 100% based on my emotions and shutting God out of it...something I hadn't done for a long time since coming to the Lord. Rich and I always try to lead our lives based on God's word before we incorporate our own thoughts and emotions. I seemed to have forgotten that. I re-read this scripture OVER and OVER.

Proverbs 3:6  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he will direct your path."

If I trust Him with only certain things, then I am not fully trusting and having faith. You don't get to pick and choose. For the last eight months, I have been completely consumed by worry, guilt and anxiety. From bedrest to childbirth to parenthood, I made those times so much more difficult. Hormones can't be to blame for everything. :) (maybe half?) I went as far as acupuncture to remedy my worry. I changed my diet, took special herbs and finally one morning, I let Him back in. I haven't felt that good in a LONG time. With all my worry I am saying I don't trust God fully. It robs you of your power to live. I'm learning again that it is okay to ponder something or have a prayerful concern, but it is a sin to constantly worry about something. Once you begin to lose your peace, you're venturing into worry which is just plain wrong. By faith, I have found myself again. With faith, you can understand all kinds of things that your head can't. I may not like the way something is or why God is doing what He's doing but I know He's working.

Gradually, I've begun to think about Norah's leg with a different perspective. She is Amazing...no, seriously...Amazing. She is so vocal and such a fast learner and is doing things I don't think her Dad and I expected to happen so soon. I think of why He chose us to be her parents and I understand now. She is ours and we are hers. God blessed me with a strong man who provides for us and protects us. Because of him, she will have the care she needs and also have her Mommy at home and I will have the ability to have her treatment be my first priority. God knew we had a huge family filled with people that want to shower her with love and care. He knew she would be raised to know Him and honor Him. He knew we would take care of her. She may be physically disabled but her heart is whole. She will love, laugh, play, make messes and we will cherish all of it. I think because of it, we will enjoy life with her even more. We won't take those messes for granted because she's able to make them.

It is entirely coincidental that the year is ending and 2013 is approaching. It is also a coincidence that I am writing this on December 31, 2012, the last day of the year. :) It just hit me that this is the time for New Year's resolutions, but that is not what this is. This is simply me just recognizing what I already had. The path I have chosen is much brighter then the one I was on. I hate to think about all of the precious time I have wasted this year on worry, but all I can do is keep walking this path and devote myself to allow His grace to touch my heart. I trust that in the times of doubt, I will pray as I used to and turn toward Him instead of my own thinking. I want to devote myself to reinvesting in my relationships that I have begun to take for granted. My marriage, friendships and family relationships have all taken a backseat because of my worry and fear throughout my pregnancy and my daughter's condition and I am deeply sorry. As we move into the New Year, I plan to let the Lord lead me as He led me to my wonderful husband and our beautiful, perfect little angel.

Happy New Year to our friends, family near and far and to all the fellow PFFD'ers in treatment or about to begin treatment. We wish you all blessings and great health this year. :)